Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
