just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
