Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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