I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
