Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
