I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize