just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
