If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
