ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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