im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
