I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
