are you so shy because you have an std?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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