I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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