He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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