I accidentally burped into my bong.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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