I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
