He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
