Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
