Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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