Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize