Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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