my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
