So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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