no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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