Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
