I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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