Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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