I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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