Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I didn't notice because vodka
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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