just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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