I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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