mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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