i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
