omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
