Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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