In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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