is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
