I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
