I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
