im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
