in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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