This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
