Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she told me i tasted like america
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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