Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
