she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
