I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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