Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
