So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
