So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
