There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
