I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
