I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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