I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
