Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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