oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
