made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
