Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
