i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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