im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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