I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
